the constants aren't so constant anymore

montreal part deux

2007-02-25T22:17:45Z

i don't think i've ever been more drunk in my life than i was last night. except for maybe when i was in montreal. i've gathered bits and pieces of information and details of my... actions. so far this is what i know:

i tried to park my car and got it stuck in a snow drift and on the curb in front of larson (this i actually remember)
we ditched my car and left for the party
i went from the art house to the felland house with emily for the ugly hat party
i found katie and went upstairs and collapsed at the top of them
then i started banging on a door and yelling to the people inside
then i talked to thor on the stairs
then i went and sat down with katie and a group of people
then i started crying hysterically and ran out of the house back to the art house
i somehow got back to larson
but mattia was carrying my pants and i was obviously not wearing them.
i was sick in the bathroom and shrieking "mellby's a gem" over and over to bri
then bri had to go dig my car out of the snow/off the curb at 4 in the morning
today i feel dead.

the last time i felt this badly was just over a year ago during the infamous weekend in montreal.

i'm never drinking again.

You say potato, I say vodka.

2007-01-15T23:59:39Z

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd i still love steve.

im such a fuck.

here's to the greatest emotional addictions of all time.

i also still love ronny and miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss miss everything everyday.

just get me to Boston and drown me in the Charles.

its 14 degrees outside.

2006-11-30T04:58:59Z

for a really long time i thought i hated that brief time in friends when there was a joey-rachel thing but i actually, just now, became okay for it. when they are watching Cujo together i think i love it actually. its before it happens but joey loves her and that makes it so cute.

so thats that

in other news, I HATE LIVEJOURNAL!

failed attempt through facebook

2006-11-12T03:35:30Z

okay so i got a new cell phone but lost everyones numbers. so if you havent given me your cell phone number yet, please do. i tried to do this through facebook but i dont think everyone caught on.

so comment with your number

thanks

my life as a complete failure

2006-11-06T22:56:25Z

i've been having bad dreams lately. i wouldnt be surprised if they al came true. i'm unhappy. who is surprised? hah.

this weekend was okay. at least we got to watch she's the man. i think i need to buy it.

i can feel you moving on and away from me.

"Woke up today to everything grey
and all that i saw just kept going on and on
sweep all the pieces under the bed
close all the curtains and cover my head
and what you wish for won't come true
you aren't surprised love, are you?"

Im starting to accept the fact that i will never ever meet my "potential" as a student, friend, human.

i hope youre as happy as youre pretending.

my soul is dying.

i dont know anything anymore

2006-10-29T05:40:54Z

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character
you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem

after 3 episodes of dr 90210 i have come to the conclusion that i don't think plastic surgery is the answer to most people's problems. maybe im just speaking for myself but i dont think a set of dd's will give me a better quality of life. i don't really know what could. i think maybe owning more dvds would help.

i took a survey the other day for the u of m and it was about impulsive behavior in college students. one of the sections was about buying things to make yourself feel better. i thought that was especially interesting.

ive spent over $350 since fall break.

life's a bitch. i need a new purse. i need a new soul.

marc is an asshole

2006-10-28T06:37:45Z

im sorry that you don't want to read any explanation i have. that is the last time i will try.

sorry your roommate hates me. i guess when you live with someoen for 2 months you know him better than if you date him for 3 and a half years. it doesnt matter. im done.

im sorry nothing i said was ever enough for you.

Your eyes say the joke's on me

2006-10-23T14:21:46Z

If it was up to me, i'd never have to miss you. Its for the better in the bitter end.

I'm glad you're doing well. Unfortunately I can't say the same for myself. This further proves that i'm incapable of functioning on my own and now that i no longer have the life raft, i'm obviously drowning. I think its sad that i am all talk. I say i want to be independent and i need to be and am totally capable of living on my own and relying on no one but myself. but I relied on you just like i do on my parents and friends to get me through everyday. Now i can think about the classes i fail and the essays i don't write and the books i still read and the people i still remember. Now i think about everything in my life and how far away it is from what i expected. i am directionless. Its like ive been drifting just off the coast for years and only now have i completely lost sight of the shore.

I'm not sure where to go from here i just know this isn't right.

i'm losing touch.

my own special selfish way

2006-10-16T20:48:30Z

i realize we won't be able to talk for some time and i understand that as i do you. the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. i will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts.

I feel empty.

and fuck everyone.

I'd take it in the ass for an Oscar.

2006-10-10T05:47:27Z

I love entourage

I love grey's anatomy

I dont know what UM YA YA means. does that mean im not an Ole?

"Don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!"

I think i hate my livejournal layout.

I'm coming home in 3 days with court. thank god. During that time i will only leave my house to either see courtney or get food or go running. If i am not doing those things, i am watching TV with my amazing dog and don't want to be bothered. haha im not kidding.

Winona on the 27-29

Marquette the week after?! YESS GIO!!!!!

HERES A PICTURE IVE POSTED AT LEAST 5 TIMES BEFORE!!!
These baby girls are going back for a follow-up visit 4 years later...SUMMER OF 2007!!!

and we are getting rid of the tahoe before christmas. RIP. you've been great

without courtney, there would be no silver lining... wait there still isnt.

2006-10-05T02:54:50Z

I'm quite concerned that i would have absolutely nothing to talk about with anyone, especially courtney, if i actually liked my life. here is a little "snippet" as my religion teacher would say of my daily conversation with courtney and everyday it goes a little something like this. My life would not be complete if i couldnt talk shit. does that make me a bad person? PROBABLY.

frack698: shes a fucking cunt and i hate that word
frack698: but she so is!
deer bandits: i know!!!
deer bandits: and so unclassy
frack698: i know
deer bandits: and her feet look like shes a neanderthal who has never worn shoes
frack698: hahah are they all dead skinny
deer bandits: oh my god skinny? please no part of that womans body is skinny
frack698: i hate her
frack698: no like they ahev dead skin on them?
deer bandits: oh yeah and theyre like black as soot
frack698: lmao
frack698: hahah
deer bandits: when im talking to you online and shes in the room and i start laughing out loud she like gives me the dirtiest looks. im like what there was something funny bitch~!
frack698: hhahahahha thats so funny
frack698: my roommate bf just asked if i was okay (hes oin the phone) cuz i was laughing so loud
deer bandits: hahahaha!!! well i just feel like im a big idiot because im alone and like giggling
frack698: hahaha

There's a lot of laughter in my online life. Which is more than i can say for my real life. And thats kind of weird.

NEXT STOP ON THE COLLEGE LIST: ILLINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

suddenly i see!

2006-10-03T03:31:39Z

yesterday courtney and i saw 2 snakes on our run/walk.

oh little snake (snicky) stick your head up!!!!

My livejournal password is still my highschool id number.

I love courtney.

I don't love my roommate. that is for sure.

suddenly i see this is what i want to be
suddenly i see why the hell it means so much to me

constantly underestimated.

2006-09-24T05:17:50Z

everyone here thinks i'm stupid because i don't study every second of every day.

why is god testing me

i wont capitalize that g.

i hate everything about st olaf. i hate everything about every college. maybe i just should let it go and prove everyone right.

Where does the good go?

2006-09-24T04:21:14Z

Now this may not be the most appropriate or mature way to let go of over a year of resentment and pure loathing but I don't really care. After this post am officially done hating keiko. Now this doesn't mean I like her, or can even stand her. I'm just done hating her. Lets face it, its what Jesus would do. Right, JC? EXACTLy haha. anyway. Now i'm just doing it this way because this is the way you do it if youre a person who stays in on saturday nights studying chemistry and watching pulp fiction and grey's anatomy. This is just the way it works. I also wanted to express some of my creativity that has gone over looked in my life of the natural sciences lately. Okay so here we go!

And here below is just an added touch of existentialism!

what now?

2006-09-21T23:37:59Z

I think it is destiny for me to hate college. I know not many people do, but someone has to right? It doesn't matter where i end up, i am just fated to hate it. College and I are star-crossed. There is nothing more that can be said. I changed just about everything this time around and somehow i feel like nothing is different. This is problematic. I think if it doesnt get better this year i'm off to, dare i say it, champaign urbana. Or maybe carthage. I don't know. all i know is, this is getting old. im tired of not liking it. im tired of taking the same biology class 3 years in a row and never being able to get out of it. im tired of living with people i don't know. im tired of going through the motions. im tired of the peanut butter sandwhiches i eat for dinner because i don't want to go to the dining hall by myself.

this is my declaration of self-loathing and also loathing in general. what am i supposed to do now is the question. where do i go from here? i can't even think. i hate i hate i hate. im so sick of ughhhhhhhh someone rescue me.

carthage it is.

Our wind turbine is bigger than yours.

2006-09-20T06:14:44Z

we come from st. olaf
we wear cashmere sweaters
we live on the hill to be closer to God

we don't smoke, we don't drink
at least thats what they think
and under the covers we
UM YAH YAH YAH

(to be sang in 3/4 time waltz.)

Its days like these that take away what's left of me

2006-09-14T03:29:29Z

I only write in this when bad things happen like when ronny died and later when people talked shit about me and then when courtney left for school.

Needless to say, something bad has happened again.

I don't write on this for the sake of other people seeing it and knowing my life. I know better than to think people still read this. I'm okay with that because at this point its more of a record keeping for myself. So i can look back on certain dates and remember the important things that happened during the years i had this stupid livejournal.

I feel like the last few months have been permeated with death and i understand that its just life but that doesnt make it any less painful/weird/uncomfortable/silent/angry. I could go on for another couple paragraphs about how guilty i feel about everything and the fact that i think i was a terrible granddaughter, but the truth is, im just too tired.

de·men·tia n.
Deterioration of intellectual faculties, such as memory, concentration, and judgment, resulting from an organic disease or a disorder of the brain, and often accompanied by emotional disturbance and personality changes.

Today my grandma died.

johnny hot rod

2006-08-26T06:07:25Z

I miss ya already coz.

mad love

i can see your two faces.

2006-08-19T03:09:41Z

A girl will talk shit about you behind your back faster than you can say best friends forever.

(excluding courtney)

long days and longer nights

2006-06-15T07:14:35Z

I would give anything for one more day with you. or one more phone call. I miss you the most when i hear maroon 5 songs or think about feminism. I can't even believe I'm writing in this about this. what else is there to say? Its going to take a while for me to stop talking about you every second of every day. The way I'm writing makes it sound like you just broke up with me and i guess, in a way, you did.

You are the music while the music lasts.

2006-06-11T06:33:47Z

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

reflections on a misspent year

2006-05-17T04:40:58Z

Attention future college students:

Upon my return to the lovely schaumburg, i have compiled a list of things to NOT bring to college. Last summer i scavenged for everything i could find and i bought everything on every list available, now i can tell you that it was all shit and there were 10,000 things i didnt need. this is advice for anyone living in a dorm next year who has not before.

THINGS TO NOT BRING TO COLLEGE:

-First and foremost, do not bring more than 5 or 6 pairs of jeans. you won't need them. if you are anything like me you will just wear the same pair of sweat pants for weeks at a time. If youre not like me then thats just unfortunate.

-A first aid kit (just a box of bandaids is fine. gauze and shit is really unncecessary and i am a person prone to injury)

-Tools like a hammer and screwdriver are completely pointless and yes i did bring them

-Wrinkle releaser, bleach pens, and stain remover pens will never be used. stick to just detergent and dryer sheets

-more that 5 pairs of shoes. All year i wore either Uggs, Birks, or flip flops
(and the occasional running shoe) and i brought almost 20 pairs.

-If you dont normally dress up, dont bring a lot of skirts, this pattern isnt going to change when you get to school.

-Books for leisure reading. They are heavy and you will never read them all. Bring 2. Make sure theyre paper backs.

- Tons of drawers and shit, they just take up the limited amount of space.

- Notebooks and supplies. Just buy the shit you need at the bookstore there

-year books and shit. quite frankly, no one really gives a shit about who you went to high school with.

- Just too many clothes in general. Its easy to get carried away with the phrase "what if i want to wear this sometime?" Just trust me, you wont.

- Assess the climate and pack accordingly.

- A thousand purses. 2 will do just fine. I brought 10 and used 1.

Thats about all i can think of. everything just takes up so much space. ugh i get tired thinking about putting it all away.

Its like rain on your wedding day

2006-05-04T12:29:13Z

So i just woke up at 7AM for the spanish final i thought i had at 8. but when i got to the room i KNEW was right, there was no one there. After a few moments of sheer panic, and 4 calls to my roommate who didnt answer, i decided to come back to my room and reconfirm the time. It turns out my exam isnt until 12:30 PM so wooops. i guess ill go back to bed now and wait for anthro at 10:15. whats with these back to back finals yo?

I'm going home tomorrow! well, starting to go home. i wont get there until saturday but huzzah none the less.

HUZZAH HUZZAH HUZZAH!!!!!

i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one

2006-05-02T00:08:12Z

So last night Lily and I saw Kanye. this last weekend my cousin got married and through that i got a whole bunch of korean family! My brother also had a few skrewdrivers and ended up dancing it up with my aunt's middle aged friends. If you knew my brother, this would be funnier. Today the weather is really warm, about 75. This is the last monday I'll ever spend at syracuse university. Its quite a relief but i have yet to seriously pack my shit. im just sort of expecting my mom to do everything for me, like i always do. shame on me. I would like to take this time to say that i absolutely love my dog and miss him SOOOo much. i cant wait to see him this saturday!!!!! I'm also reading angels and demons right now to get pumped for the da vinci code on may 19th and its so good.

here is just more evidence of me doing nothing but reading courtneys blog...

One more final thought to leave you with... a quote by Ed, "Syracuse is like unprotected sex: you're glad you got in, but you're sorry you came."

1. Your name: Audrey Claire Billhymer

2. Where were your parents born? New Mexico and Wisconsin

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Probably lecture notes or something lame

4. What's your favorite restaurant? oh man anything mexican. or pf changs.

5. Last time you swam in a pool? toooooo long ago

6. Have you ever been in a school play? many!

7. How many kids do you want? 3 fo sho

8. Type of music you dislike most? heavy metal. ha

9. Are you registered to vote? absolutely

10. Do you have cable? definitely

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? no, i fell of a goped once.

12. Ever prank call anybody? Hell yes. "do you have prince albert in a can? well you better let him out because hes.... suff... suffo-kot-ing"

13. Best friend? court and lilsta

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? yes. there is no doubt in my mind.

16. Do you have a garden? kind of... but axle eats the hastas.

17. What's your favorite comic strip? I used to be really into Calvin and Hobbes.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? I had to recite it to make sure but yes.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? tough Q. it depends really. if it was up to me, neither ever. lol. prob shower night though.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Take the Lead!!!!!!!!!!!!

21. Favorite pizza topping? hmmm canadian bacon and pinapple

22. Chips or popcorn? Chips with french quarter dip. mmmmmm

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? just chapstick, maybe gloss if im feeling ultra sexy

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? no but i hear that can get you wasted

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I am proud to say i have not.

26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you go? Lily last night, panera. Lily. Always. Panera.

28.Favorite candy bar? Twix or milky way midnight

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? hmm April of 05

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Not recently.

31. Have you ever won a trophy? Hell yeah, i was an athlete back in the day.

32. Are you a good cook? Good, i dont know. Capable, yes.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? uh yeah im not from new jersey.

34. Ever ordered an article from an infomercial? yeah to me my mom ordered epil-stop

35. Sprite or 7-up? SPRITE

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? no

37. Last thing you bought at a Wallgreens? the other day i got mascara and bronzer at CVS.

38. What's something you can do that's sort of unusual? just call me dr dolittle.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? hmm how about true love with a millionare?

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? I dont think so

41. Can ex's be friends? Yeah but its always hard for one side.

42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? uh i dont think ive ever had anyone to visit.

43. Did you have a lot of hair as a baby? hahahah funny question. i was actually bald until age 3. WOOOPS.

44. What message is on your answering machine? Something along the lines of "hey this is audrey leave a message and i'll call you back as soon as i can. thanks bye"

46. What was the name of your first pet? Speedy the hamster!

47. What's in your backpack? hmm some deodorant, my palm pilot, some mints, pens, and my spanish stuff

49. What is one thing you are grateful for today? that i found out i have a psych final tomorrow that i didnt know about.

50. What do you think about most? getting a job. no that probably not true at all. i think about getting all my shit together to transfer.

give it up for eminem

2006-04-27T00:19:22Z

70 totally random questions

1) Are you a chick or a dude?
girl

2) Do you pray?
no

3) Are you in love?
"In" love? i don't know right now.

4) Ever wish on stars?
no

5) Do you believe in karma?
sometimes.

6) What's your zodiac sign?
aquarius

7) Have you ever almost died?
negative

8) Ever broken any bones?
yes

9) Do you cry during sad movies?
more than normal people

10) Do you like to dance?
not when i'm sober.

11) Ever laid under the stars?
yes

12) Ever sat on a rooftop?
yes

13) Is there a such thing as a soul mate?
I don't know

14) Could you live without the television?
I would prob. just read

15) Could you live without music?
yeah but i wouldbe bored

16) Do you like anybody?
yes

17)What do you not like most about life?
unrequited love

18) Have you ever been to jail?
no

19) Ever had a job for less than a day?
no

20) Ever been fired on your first day?
no

21) Ever been fired because of your attitude?
no

22) Do you get jealous of other people?
thats a big yes.

23) Would you rather love someone or be loved?
i think love someone.

24) What's under your bed right now?
a bunch of shit

25) Ever done anything illegal?
yeah

26) Have you ever been dumped?
haha yes.

27) Ever dumped somebody?
yes

28) How cool are you?
so

29) Do you support abortion?
depends. for the most part, prolife

31) Did you graduate high school?
yes

32) Do you wear the same clothes two days in a row?
more than i should

33) Have you ever drove someone crazy?
uh yes

34) Ever bullied someone?
nahh

35) Ever done the Macarena?
yes

36) Do you act your age?
for the most part

37) Is it okay to disrespect your parents?
no

38) Do you flush the toilet when you're done?
yes, but the girls on my floor can't say the same. what the fuck?

39) How long do you stay in the shower?
15 minutes

40) What kind of soap do you use?
the olay like creme ribbons shit

41) Are mullets cool?
not really

42) Spiderman, Batman, or Superman?
Batman, i love older famous men.

43) Do you like your middle name
Its grown on me

44) Has anyone ever cheated on you?
um Yes.

46) What's your favorite animal?
deer and pups (mr. ix)

47) Favorite flower?
Tiger Lily

48) Have you ever shaved your head?
I've come pretty close thanks to assholes who dont know how to cut hair

49) Do you think marijuana should be legal for medicinal use?
yeah

50) Do you think it is okay to drink and drive?
absolutely not.

51) If you won $1 million dollars, what would you buy first?
it would be a down payment on a house in BROOKLINE MASS!

52) Do you fear terrorism?
Not at this moment.

54) What's your favorite candle scent?
hmmm something fruity

55) Do you use profanity?
unfortunately, yes.

56) Who's the last person you talked to on AIM?
RP

57) What's something you're ashamed of?
Not sure where to begin.

58) What woke you up this morning?
my phone and then my internal clock.

59) What did you dream about last night?
I don't remember but i know it was NOT X-rated like usual. HHAHAHAha

60) Ever been to the zoo?
yes. i like animals or something.

61) How many beers did you have today?
not any

62) What's the last movie you watched?
SELINA

63) Are you usually late or on time?
ALWAYS on time. i hate being late.

64) What's a cartoon you watch often?
none. sick.

65) Do you have any imaginary friends?
i do not.

66) Are you waiting on something right now?
To get the hell out of New York.

67) Who's pretty?
Lily

68) Who's ugly?
Cher (as in Sonny and)

69) Are you worried about something?
always baby, always

70) Ever swam in the ocean?
yeah! i was just in it in december.

Yeah i definitely took that from courtneys blog.

Nothings going on.

I go home next friday!

woooh bitches.

NEXT FALL: SAINT OLAF COLLEGE BABY. if you haven't heard of it, its your loss.